sorting through hidden sins and taking off the mask.

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can I be honest with you for a minute?

I talk about God, all the time.

God and I, we are close. we’re tight. we have been through a lot together. But you know the sort of friend that you always find yourself hanging out with, but you don’t actually know much about them? You hang out with them, because they are your friend, not because you actually want to.
that is my relationship with God, in a nutshell.
I know a lot about God. But I’m not entirely sure I know His heart as well as I say I do.

the story of the prodigal son is one I’ve heard countless times. but, until two weekends ago, I hadn’t dug into the story enough to know that there wasn’t just one prodigal son, there were two.
“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Luke 15:25-31

I’ve discovered that I am the second prodigal son.

I have been a christian for a long time. I have served the church for as long as I can remember. I follow all the rules. I read my bible everyday and pray before my meals. so where is my party?
God says there is a celebration in heaven for every lost child that returns home. but what about the children that haven’t run off? what about me?
but here is where I’ve screwed up: I do those things because I know I should, not because I want to. My walk with the Lord has become a routine — it has become a list that has to be checked off before I carry on with my day.
God says that everything He has is already mine. why can’t that be enough for me?

I wear a mask, carefully woven together by pride and perfection.

just like the older brother, I serve the Father relentlessly. I do all the christian things. And in the deepest corners of my heart I look at the lost and feel bad for them. if we are being honest, I look at the lost souls on my campus and judge them. When in reality, I have been lost, and have no room to judge their hearts. I have been hiding pride and fear of imperfection in my soul for years, and I didn’t even know it.

with all the being said, I am working on it. I just felt like I needed to be honest. honest with God and with myself. and sometimes writing out my feelings is a lot easier than speaking them.

I have so many pray warriors and encouraging friends that are asking me the tough questions and helping me rediscover what stirs my affections for the Lord.
I want to delight in the Lord. I want to get to know him better.

 


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